


Until My Heart Explodes

by Ely



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Yoosung's Birthday
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 06:16:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10237658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ely/pseuds/Ely
Summary: Saeran is under no real pressure to do things right for the first time in his life, and yet the idea of disappointing Yoosung makes his head hurt. He isn't sure why. Or at least, that's what he tells himself.





	

**Author's Note:**

> just something quick (and very generic) for yoosung's birthday today!!  
> also I suck at titles, please forgive me

It’s only been a few months since Saeran Choi has officially been a member of the RFA, and he already knows that the person he gets along with best is Yoosung Kim.

This is not what he expected – not by a long shot. At first he had thought Yoosung would be far too overwhelming for him, but it had quickly become clear that compared to Saeyoung he was actually very easy to talk to. They’re far from being best friends, but Saeran’s trying, and Yoosung seems to be too. They’ve only hung out alone a handful of times, and that’s usually been at the bunker while Saeyoung had to quickly rush out for whatever reason. Actually, it’s been happening a lot more regularly as of late, and he always seems to come back with a shit-eating grin on his face that neither Saeran nor Yoosung can figure out the meaning of.

Today is Yoosung’s birthday, and Saeyoung and MC have decided to throw a party at the bunker for him. It’s nothing huge – just the rest of the RFA – but Saeran still feels anxious. He doesn’t really feel like he has any right to be. This is Yoosung’s day, after all.

He hasn’t bought him a present, and Saeyoung’s been telling him that’s okay, but he still feels guilty. Saeyoung’s bought him some kind of limited edition figurine from a movie they watched together… Lady of the Bracelets, Saeran thinks it’s called. Saeyoung tells him that it can be a joint gift from them both, but Saeran doesn’t want that. It doesn’t feel right.

The others are supposed to be arriving soon, and Saeran can feel his nerves start coming into play and churning in his stomach. MC seems to sense this, and reaches out to hold his hand as they sit on the couch. Light physical contact often makes Saeran feel better, and this is no exception. He doesn’t look at her, but she knows he’s grateful.

Jaehee and Zen are first to arrive, and Saeyoung and MC jump to greet them. Saeran stands awkwardly behind at first, but then Zen drags him into a hug as he always does. He’s a pretty touchy guy.

“How you been?” he asks. Saeran likes Zen. He’s nice, but he’s also a little intimidating.

“Okay. How are you?”

“I’m great! Can’t believe our boy is becoming a man.”

“He’s turning 21, Zen, he was already an adult.” Jaehee reminds him before she turns to look at Saeran. “Saeran, it’s good to see you again.”

“Good to see you,” Saeran replies with a smile. It’s small, but it’s the best he can do.

Jumin arrives shortly after, and immediately makes a comment to Saeyoung about how the party would have been better if it had been held at his penthouse. Despite Jumin’s seemingly cold attitude, Saeran likes him. In a strange way, he actually finds himself relating to him, because he doesn’t seem good at handling his emotions in a similar way to Saeran. Well… it isn’t _that_ similar, but it’s all Saeran has. It’s probably a bit of a stretch.

Zen quickly joins their conversation, saying that Jumin _knows_ it can’t be at his damn house because of his allergy, and they argument quickly evolves into one about Elizabeth the 3rd, where Jumin is trying simultaneously to stop Saeyoung from calling her ‘Elly’ and Zen from calling her ‘furball’.

Saeran sits back on the couch again by himself.

The RFA are interesting. He likes them all, surprisingly, but he finds them all intimidating in one way or another. Zen comes on a little too strong for him, Jumin comes across as too formal and stiff most of the time, and Jaehee… well, he supposes Jaehee is alright, but she’s often spoken over by the other members, so Saeran doesn’t know her all that well.

Yoosung is intimidating in a different way. In fact, Saeran’s not even certain he can call it ‘intimidating’. He just desperately wants him to like him, and gets worried over the possibility he might say or do something wrong.

The doorbell rings one last time, and Saeran glances over at Saeyoung who seems to be too engrossed in whatever stupid conversation he’s having to even hear it. Saeran sighs and stands up, heading to the door and punching in the twenty digit code to override the security system, which allows the door to swing open.

“Hi!” Yoosung greets him enthusiastically, and Saeran’s pulse jumps a little.

“Hey,” Saeran gives him a small smile, this time a little more genuine, and scratches the back of his neck nervously, “Uh, happy birthday.”

“Thanks, Saeran!” Yoosung grins, and Saeran steps aside to allow him into the bunker.

“I… um…” Saeran starts speaking again as he closes the door behind them, and Yoosung turns to look at him questioningly, “I didn’t… I didn’t know what to get you, so I… I didn’t get anything.” He feels unbelievably stupid right now. He should have at least tried _._

“Oh, that’s fine,” Yoosung smiles at him, and it _seems_ genuine, but Saeran still feels bad. “I get to spend time with you anyway, so that’s pretty cool!”

Saeran blinks at Yoosung in surprise as he watches him head to over to greet everyone else. He knows Yoosung probably only said that to be nice but… it had made Saeran feel an odd, lingering warmth that he finds he’s experiencing a lot around Yoosung these days. He swallows in an attempt to calm his anxiety and push down his thoughts as he follows Yoosung to where the others are.

He’s already surrounded. Saeyoung and MC have their arms thrown around him in a hug, and Saeran can’t help but smile as he watches Yoosung squirm.

“Guys! I can’t breathe!” he complains loudly, but there’s a laugh in his voice. Saeran walks over to the group and stands a little distance away, just watching them as they talk enthusiastically about Yoosung’s birthday and all the food they’ve got and the presents they’ve bought and how they should definitely take a group selfie _right now_. Saeran folds his arms and hugs them against himself. Although he is technically a part of the RFA, he still feels like an outsider a lot of the time.

“Wait!” Yoosung yells again over everyone else, and the excited chatter dissolves around the word. Saeran sees his face turn in his direction. “It wouldn’t be right to take a group selfie without Saeran.”

“Me?” Saeran raises his eyebrows as everyone turns towards him.

“Of course!” Yoosung says, holding out his arm, and Saeran starts walking over. When he reaches them, Yoosung rests his arm around his shoulders, his other around Saeyoung’s. Naturally, Zen is the one holding out the camera, and Saeran awkwardly stands there, wondering what he’s supposed to do with his face.

“Everyone ready?” Zen asks, and there’s a murmur of agreement from everyone in the group aside from Saeran. He’s more aware of the weight of Yoosung’s arm than he probably should be.

Zen takes the picture and holds it up for everyone to see. Saeran squints at it. He looks horrifically awkward, as usual, but Yoosung looks happy. Everyone looks happy, in fact. He still feels out of place, but he likes that Yoosung at least made an effort to include him.

Saeran decides to go and sit back down on the couch, and he’s surprised when MC joins him.

“You okay?” she asks softly as he looks down at his hands fidgeting in his lap.

“Yeah,” he says, nodding, “I just… I think I might go to my room in a bit.” Even though he’s spent the past two days mentally preparing himself for these few hours, he can’t stop himself from already feeling a little overwhelmed and exhausted.

“That’s okay,” she replies, and although Saeran isn’t looking at her, he can hear the smile in her voice, “We’re going to do presents in a second, so at least stay for that.”

“Okay, yeah,” Saeran nods. He’s not entirely sure _why_ he feels the need to stay for presents. He hasn’t even got Yoosung anything.

MC gets up and heads back to talk to the others, and Saeran pulls his legs up on the couch and hugs them against his chest. He attempts to tune out the noise coming from nearby and tries to just focus on his thoughts. Some of them, anyway.

He and Yoosung are friends, in the loosest sense of the word. He’s the only person Saeran has ever actively wanted to spend more time with, and he thinks that took everyone in the RFA by surprise, including Yoosung and Saeran themselves. Saeran only ever logs in to the chatroom when he sees Yoosung is in there too. It’s almost like he’s some kind of safety net for him. They’re polar opposites at a first glance, but Saeran can’t help but feel as though there’s some kind of deeper connection between them. Something in common.

Or maybe he’s just being hopeful.

They’ve played videogames together, but when Saeran tried LOLOL he didn’t really understand it and gave up pretty quickly. He thought Yoosung had been disappointed, but he’d sworn it was fine. Saeran had still felt guilty anyway.

He’s always been scared of disappointing people, but this feels different. He’s under no real pressure to do things right for the first time in his life, and yet the idea of disappointing Yoosung makes his head hurt. Is he really that desperate for validation? It seems so. Maybe he kind of… latched onto Yoosung because he’s closest to his age. Or maybe because he’s pretty much entirely unthreatening. He doesn’t know.

At least, that’s what he tells himself.

After a little while, everyone begins coming over to where Saeran is sitting so they can give Yoosung his presents. Saeran lowers his legs, but even then there’s only really enough room for three or four people to sit here. Yoosung ends up squeezing next to him with Saeyoung on his other side. MC decides to sit on Saeyoung’s lap, and Zen sits next to them while Jaehee and Jumin both stand.

Saeyoung gives Yoosung his present first, seemingly unable to wait, and Yoosung tears open the paper eagerly. He gasps as soon as he sees it. “Ohmygod!” he squeals excitedly, holding the box up to look at the figurine inside, “This is super rare! How much did it _cost?”_

“Can’t tell you that, can I?” Saeyoung says with a grin.

“Thank you!” Yoosung exclaims, throwing his arms around Saeyoung with a little difficulty due to MC being in the way. Saeran can practically feel Yoosung’s excitement bubbling from him. He’s glad he’s happy.

“Saeran helped, too,” Saeyoung says, and Saeran’s looks at him, frowning.

“No, I-”

“Thank you, Saeran!” Yoosung turns and throws his arms around Saeran this time. Saeran freezes for a second, and he feels his heart pounding in his chest. Yoosung’s hair is tickling at his neck, and he slowly raises his hands to rest them on Yoosung’s back.

“I… uh… I didn’t really…” he trails off.

“I don’t care,” Yoosung says in a whisper, and it’s so quiet that Saeran doubts the other RFA members can hear. “I’m just glad you’re here.”

This is the second time today Saeran feels that warmth spread through him because of Yoosung.

He lets go too soon, and they’ve moved on to Zen. Saeran can feel a weird feeling starting to build up inside him – something similar to anxiety – and he can feel his breathing getting faster. Yoosung opens Zen’s present, which is some kind of alcohol, and throws his arms around Zen and that’s when it all gets too much.

Saeran doesn’t realise he’s standing until he feels Yoosung tugging at his sleeve. “Are you okay?”

“I have to go,” Saeran manages to choke out, pulling his arm away and walking towards his room as quickly as he possibly can.

He slams the door behind him and leans against it heavily, rubbing his hand over his face. He doesn’t know why he’s suddenly so worked up. Maybe because he’s not used to so much physical contact in such a short space of time. He’s not sure.

Saeran leans his head back and presses it against the door. He can’t help but feel as though there’s more to it than that, and he thinks he might know what it is. But he can’t admit it to himself just yet. He can’t bring himself to think about it, but at the same time he can’t _stop_ thinking about it.

There’s a soft knock at his door, and he pulls his head away from it. His voice is caught in his throat and he can’t make himself speak and ask who it is, but he doesn’t just want to open it. The knock sounds again.

“Saeran?” A soft voice. Yoosung’s voice.

He pulls himself away from the door and turns around to open it and look at him. The boy who makes his heart skip a beat every time he sees him.

“Are you okay?” Yoosung asks, sounding worried, and Saeran can’t bring himself to keep eye contact. He looks down at the ground and doesn’t respond. “Can… can I come in?”

Saeran bites at his bottom lip and steps back, pulling the door open enough for Yoosung to step inside. He closes it behind him and turns on the light.

“I’m sorry,” Saeran says, his voice quiet.

“Why? What’s wrong?” Yoosung’s voice is gentle and worried, and it makes Saeran feel even guiltier.

“I don’t want to ruin your birthday.”

“You haven’t ruined it!” Yoosung insists, and he reaches out as though he’s going to touch Saeran’s arm, but then pulls back. Saeran feels his heart jump. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Saeran folds his arms and shrugs, looking to the side. “I’m fine. Just… yeah, I’m fine.”

“Is something wrong? I… I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“Uncomfortable?” Saeran’s head snaps round to look at him.

“Yeah,” Yoosung shrugs, and this time he’s the one avoiding eye contact. “With the hug.”

“No… no, I didn’t mind that,” Saeran shakes his head. “I actually… I liked it.” Saeran can feel his face heating up.

“Really?” Yoosung looks back up at him, his eyes wide with surprise. He suddenly frowns. “Do you want to sit down? You’re shaking…” His sentence trails off, and Saeran looks down at himself, realising Yoosung’s right. His legs are wobbling under his weight, and his hands are shaking too, despite the fact his arms are folded. Saeran nods, not able to speak or look at him out of shame, and they walk over to the bed, perching on the edge. Yoosung isn’t sitting particularly close to him, but he’s close enough for Saeran to be able to feel his presence in every atom of his body.

There’s a silence, and Saeran feels as though he should speak but can’t think of anything to say so he stares down at his lap instead.

“Did something happen?” Yoosung asks. Saeran’s head drops lower. He can’t think of an excuse. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“Don’t… don’t you want to go back out there?” Saeran says in a quiet confusion, “You don’t have to stay in here with me.”

“I don’t mind. I like talking to you,” Yoosung tells him, and Saeran’s heart skips. Again. He swears one day it might explode.

“So… um, how’s your birthday so far?” Saeran decides to settle for a regular topic of conversation in an attempt to avoid anything too dangerous.

“It’s good. I like that I get to hang out with everyone,” Yoosung says. Saeran can hear the smile in his voice and can’t resist looking up to see it.

“Have you spoken to friends from college?”

Saeran’s surprised to see the smile fall from Yoosung’s face at this. Did he say something wrong? “Oh. Yeah, some of them messaged me this morning.” Yoosung looks away and starts fidgeting with his hands in his lap.

“Did something happen?”

“No… nothing bad. I mean…” Yoosung sighs, and his head drops down a little. Saeran feels like he should move closer and comfort him somehow, but he doesn’t know what to do. He feels absolutely useless. “They made fun of me a bit.”

“What? Why?” Saeran asks in surprise.

Yoosung shakes his head. “It was just a joke. I know that, but I guess… I guess some of it stuck with me. I don’t know. It’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid if it upset you,” Saeran tells him. Yoosung looks up at him and Saeran can visibly see him gulp in his nervousness.

“They… they were saying it’s weird that I’m 21 now, and still… and that I’ve still…” Yoosung looks away again and bites his lip for a second, before blurting out, “That I’ve still never kissed anyone.”

Saeran feels his eyebrows shoot up. Out of all the things he’d been expecting, that hadn’t been one of them.

“They’re assholes. Why is that bad?”

“I dunno,” Yoosung shrugs, “It’s not, I guess. I just feel really inexperienced. I keep getting older but I still have barely anything to show for it.”

“That’s not true,” Saeran tells him. He hates that Yoosung is doubting himself. “You have a lot to show for it.”

“In some ways, I guess.”

There’s a short pause while Saeran gathers the courage to say what he wants to say.

“Do you want to kiss someone?” Saeran asks, and he can feel himself dreading the answer.

“Oh…” Yoosung bites at his lower lip again. “Actually, that’s something else they were making fun of me about.”

“What?”

“I… I like someone, but I still haven’t… told them.” Yoosung’s voice is awkward and wooden as he speaks, and Saeran feels his heart drop a little. The chances of that person being him are slim to none, and he knows that, but he can’t help but hope…

“A girl?”

Yoosung lets out a humourless laugh. “That would be easier.”

Saeran can feel the hope starting to grow. “A guy?”

Yoosung nods.

“Someone… someone in school?”

Yoosung shakes his head.

“Who?” Saeran dares to ask, and he sees Yoosung slowly close his eyes.

“He’ll never like me back,” Yoosung breathes.

“He might,” Saeran says before he can stop himself. Yoosung shakes his head.

“He’s too good for me.”

“Any guy would be lucky to have you,” Saeran blurts out, and he can feel his face warming up. He’s never normally like this. He always thinks things through before he speaks. Why is he being so impulsive?

Yoosung looks up at him, and for the first time in his life his expression is entirely unreadable. “Really?”

Saeran gulps and nods.

“Do you think… many people want to kiss me?”

Saeran clenches his jaw to try and stop from blurting out anything stupid as he nods.

“Like who?”

Saeran shrugs, unable to tear his eyes away from Yoosung. His face is still blank and Saeran’s never felt so vulnerable. His heart is rushing to pump the blood around his body so fast that it feels as though it might fall out of his chest. He has a lump in his throat, and he can feel his palms sweating.

“Do… do _you_ want to kiss me?” Yoosung asks, his voice quiet. Saeran stops breathing entirely, clenching and unclenching his fists to calm himself and stop this feeling in his stomach from making him throw up.

“Do you want to kiss me?” He throws the question back at Yoosung and his voice is so low he wonders whether he heard him at all.

Yoosung is blurry in his vision, and the air between them feels liquid as Yoosung opens his mouth. He hesitates before answering with one simple word.

“Yes.”

Saeran blinks in surprise.

“Do you want to?” Yoosung asks once more, his voice breathy and scared.

Saeran opens his mouth and closes it twice before he finally speaks.

“Yes.”

They sit there for a few moments, just looking at each other, and Saeran can feel his breathing rapidly getting faster to the point where he’s actually starting to feel dizzy. A few moments pass, but neither of them move.

“Do you want to… now?” Yoosung asks. Saeran grips hold of his jeans in his fists.

“Yes.”

Yoosung slowly shuffles closer, and Saeran swears his heart stops when his slightly shaky hand reaches up to brush some of his hair out his face. His fingers are soft, and they slowly trail down so his hand cups Saeran’s jaw. Saeran’s lips are parted and his breaths are coming out in pants as Yoosung leans closer, and it’s not long before he feels Yoosung’s own breath gently brushing against them. He doesn’t lean closer to Yoosung. He wants Yoosung to be entirely in control of whether he wants this or not, because he’s still struggling to believe this is actually happening.

Yoosung leans a little more until their lips are just barely touching, and Saeran looks into Yoosung’s big purple eyes just before they disappear behind his eyelids and he leans that last distance to press their lips together.

Saeran’s eyes flutter closed and he tilts his head to the side a little to respond to the kiss. It’s soft and innocent and everything Saeran ever dreamed it would be and more. Saeran’s heart is racing impossibly fast, and it isn’t long until Yoosung pulls back, breathing heavily despite the fact they’d done little more than touch their lips together for a few brief moments.

They open their eyes, and Saeran sees that Yoosung’s are shining.

“I’ve wanted to do that for ages,” Yoosung whispers.

“Me too,” Saeran breathes in response.

“Can… can I do it again?”

Saeran nods.

Yoosung leans back in and reaches his lips more quickly this time, pressing against them a little more firmly. Saeran leans forwards too, resting his hand on the bed to support his weight. He’s surprised when his fingers brush against Yoosung’s on the sheets, and he’s even more surprised when Yoosung pushes his hand closer to intertwine their fingers together. Saeran can barely focus on anything other than the places Yoosung’s skin is burning against his own, but in the back of his mind he hopes Yoosung doesn’t mind how sweaty his palms are.

After a while Yoosung pulls back again, but he doesn’t lower his hand from Saeran’s jaw and their hands are still joined between them. They sit there staring at each other for a few moments in mutual disbelief, and Saeran’s mind is racing through a thousand thoughts as each second passes until he eventually speaks the first thing in his mind which is vaguely coherent.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get you a birthday present.”

Yoosung cocks his head to the side, and his face breaks out into a smile of both confusion and amusement. “You gave me the best thing I could’ve hoped for.”

Yoosung’s hand slowly lowers from Saeran’s face, and Saeran immediately feels the absence of heat, but he finds he can deal with it while Yoosung’s hand is in his own.

“And… I’m sorry my hands are sweaty,” he mumbles. Yoosung lets out a quiet breath of laughter.

“Stop apologising,” he says, “Just… just… say something else.”

Saeran frowns slightly. “Like what?”

“I don’t know. Anything.”

“Um…” Saeran trails off, trying to think of something. “Thank you?”

Yoosung laughs again, and Saeran feels like he could stare at his smile for years. “That’s okay. Thank _you_.”

Saeran feels his own face break out into a smile, and the way Yoosung looks at him as it does is enough to make his heart melt. Warmth rushes to his face and he quickly looks away, biting at his lip. “Did you… did you want to go back out and see everyone?”

There’s a small pause, and Saeran can hear his own heart pounding in his ears.

“I quite like it in here, actually.”

Saeran looks up at him once more, and Yoosung squeezes his hand.

“Do you want to… um, do it again?” Saeran asks shyly. Yoosung’s smile gets even wider and he nods.

This time it’s Saeran who closes the distance between them, and just before their lips touch he whispers to him softly.

“Happy birthday, Yoosung.”


End file.
